WORLD OF RAWR

Today, we are going to talk about bodies. Specifically mine, but by extension, yours (well, some of you) with a thick layer of humor on top.

In particular, I want to talk about my ongoing battle with "I have so many things I can do that are athletics or mostly athletic with ease, but I still don't look like these people I want to meet up with because I like cheeseburgers and also how the hell am I appealing to any of these people I've met so far?"

If that's you, keep reading.

After being here for nearly four years now and having about 7.5 matches per year (which seems damn-near miraculous considering where they came from), I spend a lot of time wondering whether the next four years will continue to find people who think I'm worth the effort to wrestle. Mind, the answers are in DMs and inboxes and text messages and past opponents, most of which mutually agree we will wrestle in the future, but that doesn't stop the thoughts like this one from rearing it's ugly head at 5AM for at least 30 minutes when I walk into the bathroom and turn on a light.

In those few moments, I either feel like I'm worth the space I occupy or I'm not because that the thing right: no one sees this moment but myself and dealing with myself usually brings harsher responses than are probably healthy ranging from heavy critique to "let me sit down and study every single thing that's ever been written about bodybuilding and nutrition" with a dash of why the eff haven't you done this yet before I ignore it all and start peeing.

Cue walking past the mirror on the way out, nodding with approval or sighing with something like "whatever" and then walking out.

I've sat here for some time trying to determine what to do and have only come to three honest conclusions which, of my nature, come with heavy internal dialog. Feel free to follow along.

• Go super hardcore vegan and commit myself to the monastic life of never doing another thing in life except the study of God and gains. At least, that's what it feels like. There's just so much to do and it never seems like you can do a small thing. Everything after a point is like: wake up at 6AM, workout for like 3 hours, run a marathon, swim for a mile. Every other day. Before breakfast. Like... I cannot. The gym is a bit better; I'm getting more comfortable there with the equipment, but you can't just pick things up, right? Like you need a plan for that. It's a daunting thing and they just opened up a fried chicken spot next door...
• Just wrestle and see what happens. Alright cool, let's see what we can do with that. I'll just wrestle as-is and pick things up along the way. Sounds great. I'll just check this profile. *Fifteen profiles later*. Everyone looks like Atlas, I'm going to take a walk and punch a tree.
• Some in-between thing. I've tried randomly experimenting just to do see what I could do if I want to do it. So far, I've tried doing 100 pushups every other day. That went well until I got unfocused. Same thing with pullups. Same thing with a few things. Accountability is easier with friends or other reminders that you have things to do and being tired/unmotivated is not on that list.

Well, Synxiec, you either have to do those things or not instead of writing an entire blog about it. Wouldn't it just be better to actually fix the problem.

Well, my dear opinionated reader, I already have. This blog isn't for me. This blog is for people like me. Now, shhhh and go away or offer your personal training services and fee schedule to someone who needs a boost.

Nah, this blog is to let you know that these problems are common ones. As things are now, I live here and don't have a car. That means I need to either take a cab, bus, or bike to go places. Everywhere I walk involves hills, so unless I have a need to get to a place by a specific time, I walk there. Aside from that, I have a casino rueda class I go to every week for 2 hours. Here's what that looks like. It looks cool, but making this stuff flow takes work. I've been at it for a year. Classes are once a week. I went from 1 hour to 2 because I had to have that.

But none of that or those combinations of things makes me athletic-looking. That said, that look has little to do with what I'm actually capable of doing, which is a fair amount of things. Therein is the point of fitness. Attractiveness to possible wrestling partners, regardless of the reason, the point of all of this fitness we do is so that we can physically do what we want to do when we want to do it without concerns about impacting our health from overexerting. I normally dance for two hours, but I can dance for 4 if I want to and not be concerned. Everything else is aesthetics and we have to be aware of that.

If you are going to exercise, then start there: what do you want to do and what condition do you need to be in for the most enjoyment of that thing you want to do? Pursue that. Exercise isn't a weapon for conquering insecurities (although that can be a side-effect). Exercise is a means to an end. That end is always enjoyment. Whether it is endurance, an extra sub, the admiration of your peers and so on. However, you are fine as you are. You're not just a body regardless of who is or isn't attracted to it.

This was a bit long of a blog for a single point.

Well, if insecurities weren't a labyrinthine maze, we wouldn't be here. But they are, aren't they?